Long-term relationships are never simple. But the unprecedented divorce rate of Baby Boomer marriages gives us cause to stop and examine why so many more couples over fifty are choosing to end an unfulfilled marriage than ever before. What are the glaring red flags? Marriage and family therapist Jim Fent joins 2nd Act creator Silke Jones and friends with personal and professional insight from the man's point of view.
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Description: 2nd Act TV -- Digital TV for Baby Boomers -- debunks taboo topics associated with aging, and -- with an eye towards humor -- provides a platform for living with purpose and taking charge of our physical, emotional and sexual health.
Ive been loyal over 30yrs..been 5yrs now no touch or do anything together..just existing...feel like signing everything over n walkibg away far from everyone...all l wanted was to keep on loving her..nothingeles.
Don't be so quick to jump to assumptions. For your information, the women in this video ALL earned more money than their husbands. They left an unfulfilled marriage to find happiness again. Newsflash: this day in age women can actually out earn men and don't need sugar daddies! While I get that there are women who "marry for money" - don't cast that net over all of us, just like we don't cast an assumptive net over "all men" in this channel - we are extremely open minded and fair!
I have been married 27 years. It has been an awful time to be short. I am a 50 year old male who stayed because we have four kids and my wife refused to use her degree. I have felt trapped to a woman that I should have divorced 25 years ago.
5 years ago I started an affair to an amazing woman who waited for me for three years. I broke her heart over and over as I tried to leave my wife 3 times. Each time I was guilted into staying with my wife because of threats of suicide and guilt. Guilt of how can I do this to her and our children. How can she pay for the mortgage. I was frustrated for 23 years of our marriage because of the verbal abuse and lack of sex. I am a professional good looking man that have woman make passes at me all the time. I care deeply for my family but I don't truly love my wife.
Two months ago I broke up with my lover because I got suckered in by my wife again. We went to counselling and she has totally changed. She is more supportive and loving. However, I realized I don't love her. I am an idiot for letting my lover go. She is now found someone new and I am with my wife that I don't love.
WHAT SHOULD I DO? I am so confused as I don't love my wife the way I should. I don't think I have ever really loved her.
Hi NewHope, I was responding to a man who said nothing about destructive or abusive behavior, only that he married a woman, had FOUR children with her, and then years later decided that he wasn't happy and then had an affair, hurting even more people in the process. Then he comes on here attempting to evoke some sympathy/advice? This is utterly despicable narcissistic sociopath behavior.
So I don't know you and you don't know me however, you apparently overlooked one key statement I made:
"Unless a spouse is engaging in severe abusive and or destructive behavior, and cannot or will not stop, divorce will only make things worse."
Regardless of the reasons, when a marriage fails, both parties are always at fault. The sooner you can realize and accept this fact, the sooner you can begin to achieve true contentment. Most marriages end not because of some horrific behavior, but because people believe they are "unhappy" as if it is someone else's responsibility for their happiness. It is the victim mentality that pervades our society today, where so many people refuse to take responsibility for their own lives. It is truly pathetic and erodes our society. So even if your partner was abusive or destructive, that is still on you because you allowed it to happen for so long, and how could you be so foolish to marry and have a family with such a person?
Why do you suppose that as people remarry, the odds of failure increase substantially with each successive remarriage? It is the same two reasons:
1. The same narcissistic sociopath behavior that caused their first marriage to fail will certainly happen again once the novelty of a new relationship fades and they are once again "unhappy".
2. They are delusional and continue to choose partners with similar defective, abusive, and or destructive behavioral tendencies.
But either way the fault lays with you. Honestly, the entire point of marriage is about family (children), if you are past the point of children, marriage is pointless IMO. You can still seek companionship through a monogamous relationship, but what is the point of the contractual financial side of marriage at this point in your life? Unless one side of the relationship is struggling and needs to be "saved", and it would be very foolish to enter into a committed contractual relationship with someone who is at this stage of their life and does not have their act together by now.
So I agree wholeheartedly, at 55 you are not going to be starting a family, and by your own admission you tend to make poor choices in partners, so seeking to remarry seems like a really bad idea. However, that does not mean you should not seek companionship, just learn to be content, competent, confident, and self sufficient on your own first. This way you are not looking for someone or something else to make you "happy". Then you can invite someone else who is also already content to share your experience, which should enrich you both. If you look for relationships to fill perceived holes in your life, at best it will always end in disappointment.
In the end, we all die alone. Having someone sitting there all sad upset watching me die does not seem comforting to me at all, in fact just the opposite. We all need people, relationships, "no man is an island" but this idea that you have to have this one relationship that is put above all others, that is just nonsense. The only reason we enter into committed contractual relationships is for pragmatic reasons. Up until very recently, marriage was not about this misguided ridiculous notion of "love", it is this BS Disney land fairy tale idea of what love is that messes so many people up these days.
So many people throw around the word but have no idea what it actually means. They equate lust, infatuation, admiration, respect, security, and they think this is what love is, ridiculous. I know people that love their children, but in some cases they don't even like them, and they certainly aren't infatuated with them, so I ask you, what is love?
How can you love someone that you don't even like? Is love a reflection of what others say and do, or is it a reflection of you?
First let me say that I am not a religious person, and that I realize my responses may seem harsh or even bitter, but I assure they are not. My ultimate message is this: The Kingdom of heaven is within you. Good luck!
Eric Michel - Live with an alcoholic sociopath for 15-years, and let me know if you're happy? The real question is how an optimistic, athletic, mechanical engineer was expected to transform herself into a one-woman-Amish-army of dinners, dishes, laundry, make bank and let him spend it foolishly (repeatedly), farming/processing/canning, livestock, heavy scrubbing, and work only for his goals and dreams?!? Try pick-axing, rock shoveling and raking (this nut has been sifting Oklahoma for 8-years, more like spending my earnings to hire guys while he drinks and 'supervises'...) Try being the accountant, the ever humiliated, neglected, beholdin' pussy and 24-hour diner for a drunk narcissist. It's like having two jobs... every day for years... And yet, existentially, I'm still happy enough (to leave).
I know... move out immediately and seek counseling... I'll need it, just wanted to debunk that MGTOW pity-party/use'em quick glare ;-)
If I'm leaving at 55, and losing big on my decades of investment, I sure as heck won't ever date again (too expensive). I will officially be the happiest, dried-up bitty you know - WGTOW :-) These ladies shame themselves by still shopping or cougaring. If you haven't gotten enough by the 'rotting-season', you never will. I'm just too old be screamed at every few days by a drunken black-out of verbal abuse. Sorry, it doesn't meet with your approval. At this point, I'd rather die alone for a few moments of peace in a chaos-free zone. Some boomer men just never left the party... and I don't want to be the 'nurse with a purse'.
Dave, you seem to be like the women in this video who think that if only I was with the right person, or had the right job, lived in the right state, or country, or had the right car, house, clothes, jewelry... then I could be happy! Well guess what, unless you are in severe physical pain, happiness has nothing to do with external conditions.
People become "unhappy" and immediately seek external changes like finding a new partner, moving, or buying some new thing, only to find the novelty quickly wears away and they are exactly where they always were "unhappy".
People who get divorced and then remarry are far more likely to have another failed marriage, ever wonder why this is true? Especially when they are supposedly wiser and more experienced in long term relationships? I think it is because people that claim to marry for "love" have no idea what the word even means. Love is not a feeling, it is a conscious decision. Marriage is actually a business contract, a life long commitment made for the good of a family unit. When you made your wedding vow, was there anything in there that said something like " I promise love you in sickness and in health, until death, well unless of course I become unhappy, because then I am out of here!"
So many people confuse feelings of admiration and infatuation with love, then when the novelty wears away and familiarity begins to breed contempt, they are once again "unhappy". So if you are "unhappy" and "don't love her like you should" that is way more on you then on her. Unless a spouse is engaging in severe abusive and or destructive behavior, and cannot or will not stop, divorce will only make things worse.
So you have been married for 27 years and have four children with this women, and now you decide you don't love her? And you cheated on her and led on some other women for five years? Sorry to say it, but this is the behavior of a dishonorable self indulgent POS.
So "WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?" How about be a man of honor and integrity for once in your life. Remember what made you decide to marry and have four children with this women, and realize that your happiness does not depend on which women is in your bed.
You think all these men and women that got divorced because they weren't "happy" and are now scraping the bottom of the barrel, going on endless internet dates so maybe they won't die alone, are happy now? So if the person they shared so much with and built a family with for many years could not keep them happy, what are the odds some stranger they barely know will fair any better? The facts show that they don't.
I would never get into a LTR, let alone remarry a women who divorced because they were "unhappy", because it is not a question of if it will happen again, just a matter of when. I watched some of these videos out of curiosity, these seem to be attractive and very nice mature women, but one would have to be desperate or very stupid to consider getting into a LTR with any of them.
It seems the divorce rate is caused by people's expectations being too high. Until recent history, being roommates was exactly what good marriage was expected to be after a certain age. Somehow people today think they're supposed to fuck like a 28 year old well into their 60s and 70's and if they don't there's something "wrong" with their marriage.
Me Me Me...... I'm not happy.... You're supposed to make me happy. BULL SHIT. Happiness comes from within. I didn't hear one person say, I would try and set up a weekend get away. Or; I exhausted all means of making it work. You're all self centered baby boomers that watch too much Oprah and are too lazy to find happiness within. Now you're off to ruin someone else's life. Congratulations you self centered whiners.
Thank you for your comment. What an interesting assumption, that none of us tried to do everything we could to save our marriage ... that must be why we all stayed married for over 25 year. I agree, happiness comes from within, and no one can make you happy. (Sounds like you're the one watching Oprah). But they can sure make you miserable. Obviously this struck a cord with you, so if projecting helps, great!
Loved this episode. It's been one year and 2 months since I left my husband of 35 years. You are the first site I found and have felt such a connection. It's been a hard year emotionally but I am feeling better thanks to help from people like you. I only wish I had a group of friends going thru the same thing here in alabama. You are very fortunate to have each other. Thanks for all your information and I really appreciate the fact you have always responded to me. Makes me feel less alone.
Hi Leslie! Thank you so much for your comment. Makes me feel like our idea has the merit we believe it does. One of our goals is to be a support to women (and men) in similar situations. Please feel free to e-mail me on FB or email@example.com if you ever want to talk - mean it! :-)
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